I think about them (all of them)- I'm thinking about nothing in particular, I would say if asked. But I'd be lying. But fuck, I can't tell if I'm bad or good at lying and I should be GOOD at it after spending so much time with all of them, after talking to them, after trying to ACT like them and in a way I'm apathetic and cynical but I'm still clumsy with my words and my feelings and people can know what I feel just by looking at them because I can say things that lie, but my actions will give me away proving that I've learned NOTHING from them.
SO I will be honest with myself: I'm thinking about her. She's the kind of woman who demands attention with her loud voice and bright smile and her nonexistent modesty and then SOME PEOPLE notice all too quickly that she is GENEROUS and KIND and only wants to make people happy even if it makes her a little unhappy, and when people admit to it I feel my stomach crawl and I try not to scream at them (and my nails dig into my palms as a clench my fist and my hands are sore for a week after). They let me know this, because I was one of them once. They laughed with me and joked with me and invited me to things they did and of course, one of their favorite past times was laughing at her.
It's hot and muggy out. Dark, but muggy and hot. I'm trying to drown out the electrical buzzing with my iPod- Okay, YES, there is electrical buzzing in my house, okay? The wires are old and this place never gets fixed up, so of COURSE I'll take an offer to sleep over at ANY other house besides mine, and that's why I get better rested when I'm at a sleep over.
So while everyone laughs and jeers at her, I keep to myself and not let them know what I think.
To me, I both know her more and know her less that they know her even though they've been around longer, and how how DARE I think I know more since I've only been around for a while so WHAT WOULD I KNOW. So I know her more, because she's like a LITERAL sister in the bad ways and the good ways, and she drives me crazy and I drive her crazy, and I KNOW this because I drive her crazy and she drives ME crazy but somehow we get through it (after not talking for a week or two when I call out of the blue and she mentions some plans and we go off). But I listen to her, and I don't want her to be sad.
I know her less, because I don't know what to say when she's sad or angry. I don't know if I should hug her (except, maybe the fact that she'll cling onto me without asking if that's what she needs) or if I should say anything. Of course, it's hard to say something that will make her feel better (though SHE always knows what to say to make ME feel better and only two people in the world could ever do that and she's one of them).
I'm trying not to think about the bugs in my walls either. They flutter around like the thoughts in my brain, so let's talk about something other than my house. HEY here's another thing to talk about.
On that subject of never knowing what to say, I'll be honest again: I'm not bright. I'm dim-witted and clumsy and I fumble on my words. (Except that one time someone sarcastically called her a "treat" and I retorted and called them a "FUCKING DELIGHT" but then I said something else AFTER that and that got talked down at so you know what never mind I'll shut up now about that.)
But it's not like she has issues.
The hypocrisy of the situation is that she's done something to me that, by the textbooks, would be classified "UNFORGIVABLE" and the proper punishment would be to NEVER TALK TO HER AGAIN. But back then, I was YOUNG. I was too naive and liked this guy and it was escalating into love and it would never be reciprocated and at least I knew... And I kept talking about it and how racked my brain and how I wish I could GET OVER IT and find some guy who liked me so I could move on. I knew she was helping by listening to me bitch about it. But when she got with him, I nearly took her by the throat and SQUEEZED THE LIFE OUT OF HER and it didn't matter HOW MANY GUYS she introduced me to and- Hey, that guy IS actually pretty cute... And he liked video games... Hey a first date that's TOTALLY fun, this is nice. And now a few dates in with this guy, and she's over that old guy I used to like and has found another boyfriend so maybe she didn't like him AFTER all that much but just wanted me to get over it because she cares about me and was doing what was best for me. She helped me even though she knew I would hate her and lose all trust for her. But now that I realize what she did, I trust her more than any other friend I've ever had (but if she does it again I SWEAR TO GOD she'll face a wrath worse than like that time the raccoon in my attic attacked me ...!)
Okay, and I'm sitting at my cheap office chair, and I'm still faced with one pretty embarrassing fact: I'm still not... COMPLETELY excused. When I was angry with her I BITCHED behind her back and refused to trust her and took her for granted, and the friends who used to take her, chew her, and spit her back out were nice to me and HEY they gave me my own little nickname and lovingly teased me about how short I was, so I DID like them once upon a time and that was cool. But I still wasn't bright enough or apathetic enough for them and I made the mistake by being to generous to gain their friendship and when I could no longer provide I was jeered at, spit at, called names, and IGNORED (leaving me all alone with no one to talk to when I needed it the most and it was that weekend when I finally managed to get off work because I wanted to SEE THEM and HANG OUT with them because I was their friend, right? I mean, I offered to pay for the gas so they could get here and OH GOD WHY THEY SAID WE WERE FRIENDS!)
I crack my back against the wobbly desk chair and sigh.
It's not like I didn't have a backbone though. I knew I was being mistreated and abused. I tried to speak up but it's not like they cared. So I could have just dropped them as friends and moved on, but I was STUCK and wouldn't have friends again. And they had STILL been there for me once, and I wanted more than anything to be the tallest one's "head rest" again and to be called the "cute short one" during a late night QT run.
Fortunately, her mom knows better. I'll leave it at that.
I wish it were raining right now. The sound of rain sometimes drowns out the noises of my house and it calms my mind.
I haven't spoken with her old friends for a while now. She and I had been hanging out just the two of us and she mentioned something and wow. I can't believe this actually just happened. Not the thing with the thing and you getting PAYED for it, but the fact that they tried to go behind your back and get you PUNISHED (and Hey... HEY why hadn't they blurred out MY name on that desktop screen shot so it looks like I'M the bad guy...?! Okay, not cool. I am NOT an accessory in this, okay? Kthxbai.)
I just bolted up at a weird noise. This house makes me jumpy. Maybe that's why I'm so messed up.
So of course, we're not completely off the hook. It takes months of insults. But while SHE gets a few (she's better at ignoring them. That's a given. Such a trooper.) I get many. Every single internet social network of mine gets HAMMERED, so everyday I get reminded that I'm a WHORE and that I have no FRIENDS and that I'll NEVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING and I'm a WHORE AFTER FOLLOWING THE QUEEN BEE and by golly it's difficult to convey sarcasm through text, so maybe writing isn't my strongest form of communication after all. And after they HORRIBLE reminders given to me by a STRONG AND POWERFUL INDIVIDUAL WHO IS CLEAR NOT IMMATURE OR MENTALLY UNSTABLE on how worthless I am, I tell them hello, how are you and what exactly what would they like from me today because I doubt that I have it (and I add a little smiley. I fucking LOVE smileys.)
I'm sitting in my desk chair, in my noisy house. This is the house where bugs invade my privacy and electrical wires have been snapped and give off a nice light show when you flip a switch. This is the house I spend my time in when I'm alone and to myself with nothing else but my thoughts. My house sure LOOKS nice and has assets that... SEEM nice, but really, someone could huff and puff and blow this place down. I don't let anyone into this house just like I don't let anyone get to know me TOO well because that could be bad and people can steal things that are left out like a badly locked safe with money or my secrets that shouldn't be tampered with.
Everyone's home has it's problems, but my home isn't really a home because it has problems. I think one of the things about her is that her home is always open to me, and of course I'd always help out around it and I'm more than willing to fix anything, so she should be able to use my help to her advantage since she lets me SLEEP there and when I mean sleep I mean get some REST and SLEEP.
But the thing that sticks out to me is that it's weeks after I finally ask them what they want from me, and they're suddenly peachy and nice to me. I'm sitting here in MY house wondering when they'll get a clue and move on... Because I have.
Someday I'll be able to move out of my current home and things will go away, while I'll keep her and the new people constant, but my future home might have some problems of their own, like leaks or bad carpeting or bugs. Lots and lots of BUGS and.
You know what I find really funny about the bugs not just in this house, but in this world? When you chase after them, they fly or scamper away, or maybe they'll bite you, leaving a bump or giving you their venom. But when you leave them alone or try to get rid of them, they can't seem to get enough of you and they'll fly in your eyes and face and ears.
It's awful, really.